I have not stuck to being healthy. I have used alternative unhealthy methods to lose weight. It feels like everything I’ve worked so fucking hard for is tainted. 

I will not let this beat me. I have the capability and motivation to be healthy. I just never want any of you to feel this way. Never let dieting rule your life like it rules mine right now. I think, sleep, and totally breathe food at the moment. It’s my life. I am sorry I have failed you faithful followers.

I want to be healthy again. I will do it.
Please never let this happen to you.
I am sorry I failed.
x 

And not feeling self concious. I can feel you feeling my collar bones, my shoulders and I know you can feel my ribs. I love your hips and your ribs. I just think right now, your exactly what I need. I think your someone who will help me fix me. 

We are both damaged, but we accept it and don’t ask questions. We just hang out. But today I looked at you differently and I thought “you are gorgeous”. Which will probably be my downfall.

I’m still feeling fat.
I’m not exercising properly because I’m basically hardly eating and what I do eat is crap.
I want to be skinny, but right now there are so many things more on my mind.  

Which I am going to use wisely and make sure I sort myself out. I’ve promised myself to not go out drinking before then, or maybe go out once. THAT is it though. I am going to get fit. I am going to be a good girl and make it through and reach my goal and maintain my weight perfectly and I am going to be positive. 

Tomorrow is a new day, it’s a brighter day. I control what I eat, how I think. I’m going to make sure I am motivated and feeling amazing within the next four weeks. I think staying in and away from some people will do me the world of good.  

I want to see my ribs

And how disgusting I feel that I’ve never reached my goal of 8 stone 7. I hate it. In fact I’ve gained 5lb which makes me feel even worse. I pushed myself so hard to get where I am and now? Now I’m just a mess. I don’t feel pretty, when I wear clothes I don’t feel cute. I’m still a size 10 but my denim shorts are getting a bit too tight for me now.

I worry that I’m going to be huge again. I’m worried I’m going to be fat. I’m going to exercise everyday for as much as I can. I don’t want to be this fatty anymore. I really don’t. I literally want to go make myself sick right now I’m so angry with myself. I don’t deserve to eat being this fat. That’s all I keep saying to myself.

“oh you have an eating disorder, a problem, blah blah blah”. I actually don’t give a fuck because you are not me and you have no fucking clue what it is like to be me. So judge all you want but at least I’m fucking honest about this shit.  

I’ve got to the stage where I don’t know what to do. I think my main aim should be to get into a routine to maintain my weight before trying to lose it. I’ve spent my entire life being the “fat friend” and now I’ve gotten down to a weight and size where I look like just the friend. Now I’m hanging out with one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met but she has so much trouble putting on weight and she’s so slim and looks amazing in everything. I just feel shit standing next to her. It’s like being the fat friend over again.

I would never want her to feel bad for the way that she looks, because I think she looks amazing and I would look like her if I could, I just make myself feel bad because I’ll never be that skinny or pretty and I torture myself over it. Halloween is tomorrow and I’m not excited just because I know I’m going to look like the fat friend. We are gonna bump into people we know and we are gonna be wearing similar outfits and it’s just going to be like “Oh Freya you look amazing and Kirsty? You look like a fat twat!”

That’s what it’s gonna feel like anyway. I could do with getting out the house for a bit just to not sit here and mope and probably cry. I may go for a late night walk down Mumbles just because I don’t want to stay in and feel bad about myself. Or at least get on the cross trainer and do something.

I hate that seeing my mother and spending proper time together includes having to go out for food at the time. Why can’t we just hangout in the house like a regular family?!

I’m sick of feeling ugly.
I’m sick of feeling fat.
I’m sick of wanting to make myself sick.
I’m sick of wanting to take laxatives.
I’m sick of wanting to just stop eating all together.
I’m sick and fed up of being me and being my own worst enemy.


Rant over. 

I ate quite a bit of bread and I had some biscuits. I’m taking the last three days as a trail run and starting tomorrow I’m making sure I am a healthy fucker. I’m not going to let one bad day stop me from feeing good enough. 

I can do this, I just need to get my ass into gear and do it. I’m taking food to uni with me tomorrow so I don’t eat just anything. It’s just going to be a toughie with 9am start for uni and then finishing at 3pm to get to work by 4pm. I’m not sure how my eating is going to turn out tomorrow just because of the hectic day.  

Also I have two nights out drinking planned this week because of Ram Jam on Wednesday and it’s Halloween weekend. I need to make sure I don’t make things worse by eating everything.  

Before I make it to 8 stone 7.

Like it’s going to hurt. The way I feel right now, I’m already feeling the worse that I could. 

And want to eat biscuits and drink tea. I feel terrible because of a certain person. Again.

I’ve had a bowl of special K for breakfast.

3 oranges

Bowl of stir fry, with no meat, just veggies.

I feel massive. I feel actually huge. I did plan on exercising before work but I can’t because my straightners don’t work in my mums house for some odd reason. So I wouldn’t be able to shower… Therefore I’m going to have to do it after work. My kcal count is so low at the moment too. I just feel huge. 

I imagine its because of the amount of liquid I’ve taken in. I’m trying to drink more water so I can identify when I am actually hungry again. Therefore I’m gonna do a quick 100 tummy crunches and a quick 100 lady push ups whilst I blast Skrillex. Hopefully after work I won’t be too tired to tackle the cross trainer. 

9 stone 6.